


To fight crime and the forces of evil!

by thecurlyone



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 23:18:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5068741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecurlyone/pseuds/thecurlyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not easy juggling supervillainy and relationships like so many juggling balls. Well, two juggling balls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To fight crime and the forces of evil!

**Author's Note:**

> Gratuitous powerpuff girls references. Summary is a thinly veiled Simpsons' allusion.

[City of Normalville, 2003]

"Want to go on a date with my brother?" Ralf asked, gingerly picking his way towards Mika on his smoke break.

Mika eyed him in annoyance. He spent 15 minutes trying to find a spot that was people-free and goo-free. The city council hadn't managed to clean up this far downtown after yesterday's evil mutant octopus attack yet and every surface was still disgusting with bits of exploded octopus. He puffed once on his cigarette before shaking his head and muttering, "No."

Ralf was undeterred. "I think you two would be good together. You're both scary and you haven't been on a date for months. Plus, he's had feelings for this unavailable guy and he really needs to get over it. Don't tell him you're a smoker though, he hates unhealthy habits." Ralf paused for a moment, "Well, he does smoke cigars occasionally… Only when he's celebrating though."

And to think, Mika used to like Ralf.

Well, he tolerated him anyway.

"Thanks but I don't think so."

"Oh, come on," Ralf wheedled. "You'll have-" he stopped when the shadow of a massive killer robot fell over the street. He sighed.

Mika sighed.

In the distance, someone shouted, "The city of Normalville is under attack!"

Mika sighed again and stubbed out his cigarette.

*****

"Why not? What's the worst that can happen?" DC asked him when Mika told him about Ralf's attempt to set him up over whisky.

"He's Ralf's brother. So he's probably weirder... with bad clothes."

DC snorted. "Pfft. Go! Have fun! Or at least get a terrible date story you can tell me."

Mika had become friends with DC despite the fact he wore a kilt on very windy days. He should have arrested him for public nudity when they first met and Mika often regretted that he didn't, especially when he makes Mika do things he doesn't want to do.

"Oh, c'mon," David poked him, "Get him to pay for everything and then tell me everything."

"Fine."

*****

The weird brother arrived for their first date (late!) wearing an outfit that seemed inspired by leather fetishists and 1970's wallpaper.

"I'm going to kill Ralf," Mika muttered when he appeared.

(At least the sex is good.)

*****

Mika knows he's unlucky. He has terrible friends, terrible co-workers, a terribly weird boyfriend, and his current situation is only confirming what he always knew: it's all someone else's fault.

Case in point: the mysterious green gas that is currently filling his apartment and making him feel dizzy. That's definitely someone else's fault. He's not entirely sure how but he thinks it's Ralf's.

The men in gas masks with lasers guns that have just burst in the door- also someone else's fault.

He only has time to swear before he conks out, banging his elbow against the table as he hits the floor.

*****

He wakes slowly, consciousness returning to him in sporadic bursts. He keeps still, tries to keep his breathing level, and tries to take in as much as he can without opening his eyes. Whatever he's lying on feels like a mattress, so he hazards a guess that it's a bed.

Wherever he is, he's sure it's not somewhere he actually wants to be.

There's someone in the room with him - he can hear their breathing – but at least it's not _heavy breathing._

His kidnapper clears their throat loudly. "Mika?"

Mika's eyes snap open at the familiar voice.

"Hi," Michael says sheepishly, dressed in bright red armour, helmet in his hands.

Mika sits up too quickly. He dips forward slightly, still dizzy, and squints at him. He blinks hard to clear his vision. "Oh goddammit," he says, recognising Der Kaiser's battle armour. He retches, and Michael darts forward to shove something under his face before he vomits. He strokes Mika's hair while Mika heaves up the contents of his stomach.

He wipes his mouth once he's finished, grimacing at the after-taste. Belatedly, he realises that he's just vomited his disappointing chicken salad sandwich into the helmet of the most feared supervillain in the world. The same supervillain that is also his lying boyfriend. "Oh goddammit."

"Are you okay?" Michael asks. "Mika?"

Mika groans and slumps back on the bed. "That gas… Jesus." His head is spinning.

Michael growls, "I knew I should have made it myself! The chemical warfare division have no experience making non-toxic gas but they assured me-" Mika doesn't hear the rest. He passes out again.

*****

There's an IV hooked to him when he regains consciousness again. He swears but Michael grabs his hand before he can rip it out.

"It's just fluid," Michael tells him. "You're a bit dehydrated."

Mika glares down at Michael's hand. "Get off me," he tells him, coolly. He's really angry. Really, really angry.

Michael's face falls. "I know you're upset…," he says, "but it's for the best."

 _Really angry_.

"You're not a lawyer."

"No."

Mika rubs his eyes, his elbow twinges in protest. "You are… a… a supervillain."

"Yeah."

"You tried to kill the mayor three times this month. With _sharks_." That's even worse than a lawyer.

"I had good reason too!" Michael says, looking affronted. "His tax increase on laser weaponry is excessive. I had to lay off the entire seismic disturbance division to keep costs down. This is a clear bias against villains!"

"And this is your secret lair?" Mika asks him, because there's no way he's going to ask about the day-to-day costs of being a supervillain.

It does explain the increase in bank robberies lately though.

"It’s the best place to keep you safe," Michael tells him with earnest, evil puppy dog eyes.

"Get out," Mika replies. "Get out."

Michael shoots him a hurt look he always uses when he thinks Mika is being unreasonable and stalks out of the room. Presumably to try to blow up the moon or something. (Mika's wrong, he actually takes his frustrations out on a small hunk of rock in the Baltic Sea.)

Mika sighs and leans back against his pillow. The IV stings a little when he pulls it out and uses a pillowcase to staunch the blood. Gingerly, he gets to his feet. He feels better this time – his throat and inside his nose is dry and irritated – but he isn't dizzy so he counts that as a win. He has a feeling that it might be his only win today.

Curiously, he examines the suite he's in - it's nice, much nicer than Michael's apartment. He assumes this means that Michael didn't decorate it himself.

He expects someone is watching him but he tries not to think about that. He examines the walls and the bathroom, looking for weak points, anything really. He takes note of the cameras and microphones, looking for blind spots, but there doesn't seem to be any.

The door is thick steel and whenever he gets close, someone asks him over the intercom if he can get him anything. Seeing no easy escape route, he sits back down on the bed with a thump. He needs some time to think. Mostly about how he's going to murder Ralf.

"Der Kaiser' secret lair," he whispers to himself. The irony isn't lost on him. He's been looking for it for two years.

*****

Michael's thoughtfully left him a TV but no way of contacting the outside world, so Mika occupies himself for a couple of hours by watching the news. He's watching it for a sixth time – the pope said a thing, something has gone extinct, and there's been a flu outbreak but no supervillain business – when Michael appears again in what Mika assumes are his supervillain pyjamas.

They have tiny explosions on them.

Michael clears his throat. Mika ignores him.

Michael clears his throat louder. Mika continues to ignore him.

"Look-"

" _Get out_."

Michael slinks off again, looking like an even sadder evil puppy.

Mika raises an eyebrow. He expected an argument. Or at least a strongly worded letter.

*****

Since the only change of clothes available are a matching set of pyjamas and a bathrobe with a tiny MS monogram, Mika sleeps in his work clothes.

He's rumpled and increasingly disgruntled when the most cheerful person in the world wakes him in the morning.

"Hi!! I'm Sebastian," Seb tells him, grinning widely, and looking like a victim of puberty. His braces twinkle as he bounces in excitement.

Mika resists the urge to murder him.

"Yes?" Mika inquires suspiciously.

"Err…" Seb looks a little taken aback by Mika's sour mood.

Mika suspects, _quite rightly_ , that Seb assumed that he'd be happy about the kidnapping by his supervillain boyfriend. "I brought you some breakfast?"

"I don't want it," Mika says. Seb's spilled the orange juice on the eggs with his bouncing anyway.

"Well… you haven't had anything to eat since yesterday. I thought you'd be hungry."

"No." There's no way he's eating anything. He didn't trust Michael's cooking when he was just his weird boyfriend so he's definitely not going to trust it now that he knows about the evil. "Who are you?" He might as well gather some information.

"I'm Seb, I'm on work experience here."

Mika rubs his eyes yet again. He has the strangest feeling he may die of exasperation today. "You're an evil intern?" he asks for confirmation but is unsure if he really wants it.

Seb nods enthusiastically. "Yes! Learning everything I can so I can be the best I can be!"

"And the best you want to be is a supervillain?" Mika asks, unimpressed.

"Yeah," Seb smiles, as if he's pleased Mika understands.

"You're an idiot," Mika tells him. "Get out."

*****

He's not pleased to see a matching set of His&His towels in the bathroom.

The discovery of the towels immediately precedes him dumping Michael.

*****

He dumps him 19 more times that day. It doesn't have much of an effect except to demoralise Seb, who apparently, had really been rooting for them.

*****

Michael appears around noon on the third day with some of Mika's own clothes. He presents them as a peace offering. "DC was wondering where you were when I stopped by…" Michael says, carefully trying to initiate some conversation that wouldn't lead to another an attempt on his life. Mika's resourceful and, frankly, Michael's worried about death by towels now.

Mika already knew he'd been out; he'd been watching the news - three buildings downtown had mysteriously vanished during the morning commute, and many confused workers had wandered the streets waiting for their workplace to return. Luckily, the Tartan Wonder was on hand to save the day.

Mika grunts noncommittally and sorts through the pile of clothes. Most of which he recognises as date clothes. He must have stopped off at Mika's place after his latest bit of villainy. Some people go for morning jogs, Michael starts the day with a major crime.

He glares at Michael when he realises he hasn't left. Michael takes this as a positive sign since Mika hadn't tried to club him to death with a lamp or strangle him with a towel.

"I think we need to talk," Michael says.

"We don't," Mika corrects him.

"We do."

"We don't."

"Yes-"

"No."

"Look," Michael says, talking over Mika's protestations. "I'm doing this for your safety. You're in danger and I'm trying to protect you."

"I'm in danger? From someone that's not you?"

The evil puppy dog eyes are back. "I'd never hurt you!" he says, aghast.

Mika snorts. If only he knew.

Michael takes that as his cue to continue rather than leave. "My enemies have threatened you. I don't want you to get hurt." He edges a little closer to Mika. He's nearly within dramatic shoulder-grasping range. Mika shuffles backwards a bit.

"Enemies?" Mika echoes dubiously. He's well aware that Michael has enemies but since they're mostly superheroes and shark conservationists, he doesn't really believe that they'd threaten him.

He's not sure why they'd bother if they did threaten him, they've only been casually dating for 4 months anyway. Michael still has a thing for some other guy. Mika's not stupid, he knows there's someone else.

He's dating a supervillain that's in love with someone else. He realises with a sinking feeling that this puts him firmly in the "loser" category.

He's definitely the second worst boyfriend Mika's ever had. Only Larry the ferret collector was worse.

"Yes," Michael says, dramatically clasping both of Mika's hands between his despite Mika's attempts to get out of range. "The Flying Finn threatened you. I'm only taking precautions, you've got to believe me."

"The _Flying Finn_?" Mika echoes even more dubiously. He'd remember if he threatened himself.

Michael nods, "He said he was going to get me and everyone I ever cared about if I released anymore mutant ferrets in City Hall."

Mika remembers nothing of the sort. But in his defence, he really hates ferrets, particularly the mutant fire breathing kind so maybe he shouted it at him in anger at some stage and forgot.

Mika reflects on the whole situation for a moment and wonders how soon he'll get a chance to get revenge on Ralf for setting him up with his brother.

"And how long are you planning on keeping me safe?" Mika asks eventually.

"As long as it takes to finally defeat him."

"Fantastic."

Michael has the gall to look exasperated with him.

*****

[4 days earlier]

"I have a boyfriend," Der Kaiser sneers in response to The Tartan Wonder calling him a lonely loser.

The Flying Finn rolls his eyes under his cowl. Some lunatic no doubt. "Not for long," he mutters, kicking one of the fire-breathing ferrets at him.He can't imagine even a lunatic putting up with a supervillain. He'll probably dump him the second he gets a bouquet of man-eating flowers.

Der Kaiser's eyes bug out. "You harm one hair on his head and you'll pay."

"Wha-"

" _You'll pay_ ," snarls Der Kaiser, drops the mayor, and flees on his jet-powered hang glider.

"Okay, new plan," The Tartan Wonder says, picking the mayor up and dusting him off. "From now on we just threaten his imaginary boyfriend instead of getting thrown through plate glass windows."

*****

With Michael busy hunting him down to protect him from himself, Mika focuses on the immediate problem: how to escape without blowing his cover. He could escape easily using his superpowers but he has a secret identity that he'd really like to protect. So he has to resort to normal person means.

He knocks on the back of the door. A hidden intercom crackles to life. "Are you okay, Mika?" Seb's squeaky disembodied voice floats out of the wall.

"I'm bored," he says, settling on the truth, "can I get out of this room?"

*****

Seb gives him the grand tour.

"This is our germ warfare division," he tells Mika as they pass by yet another lab. He knocks on the window to draw the attention of the evil underlings inside and makes _Wow! Look who it is!_ gestures at Mika.

The evil germ warfare division drop what they're doing to wave cheerfully at Mika.

Unfortunately, dropping what they're doing entails one of them accidentally dropping a vial of modified smallpox.

"Uh-oh," Seb says. "Ah… why don't I show you the weather machine labs? It's built directly over the centre of the volcano, we’ve got a glass floor so you can see the magma."

"What about them?" Mika asks as the lab techs panic and run around.

Seb hits a button and a screen slides across the window, blocking the unfortunate lab techs from view. "Who?" he asks.

*****

"Have you got a supervillain alias?" Mika asks Seb because he's bored again.

The weather machine labs had promised much but delivered little. Just a few guys playing around with a large fan. Even the glass floor had been disappointing- there was no opportunity for him to break it and flee.

"I was thinking about _The Magic Finger_ ," Seb says, dramatically. "I've already designed my armour."

"That's a really good name," Mika lies.

"You think so?"

"Oh yes. Very evil."

*****

"Did you enjoy the tour?"

"No." He's completely disappointed by the lack of emergency exits.

"Oh." Michael sulks a bit before asking, "Was it Seb? I can get rid of him if you want."

"Your evil intern was fine. What is he, 12?"

"16. It's good to encourage talent at a young age. He has a bright future. He's already picked out a town for his first act of villainy."

Mika snorts, unimpressed. This makes Michael sulk even more. "You don't think my compound is impressive?"

Mika continues to be unimpressed. "I want to go home and feed Karolina."

"I asked DC to feed her while you were away. I could bring her here if you like. Make it more homelike?" He sounds terribly hopeful and Mika knows if he were to look at him, he'd see the stupid evil puppy dog face again.

"No," he folds his arms. "I need to get home to feed Karolina."

"Sometimes I think you like that tortoise more than me!"

"I do like her more than you."

*****

Now he definitely needs to get home, DC always overfeeds Karolina.

*****

His chance finally comes on Thursday. Michael's gone to take care of the mayor _once and for all_ , according to Seb. At this stage, Mika's priorities are escape > rescue Karolina from DC > save mayor.

Seb's at his disposal, apparently, because he appears the second Mika mutters, "where did that intern go?"

"Hi Mika! Can I help you?" he asks, in a breezy tone.

"Yeah…" Mika drawls before jumping at him and getting him in a sleeper hold. He doesn't want to hurt him, he tries to be gentle, but he doesn't let go until he's out cold. There's the sound of running in the hallway so Mika quickly snatches keys, access cards, and a laser gun from Seb. Quick inspection of it reveals that it is a real gun and not a toy one they gave to Seb.

Ten of Michael's evil security team burst into the room, brandishing their weapons, and looking everywhere for the threat. They must have heard the commotion. They lower them when they realise that there's no one there to harm Mika.

"Sir!" one of the nameless drones squeaks when he sees Mika with the laser gun, "Are you alright?" He looks confused.

"I'm leaving," Mika tells him, dragging Seb along with him as a hostage. He points the laser gun at the talker, "Move."

"No, you're meant to stay here for your protection, sir." The talker is braver than Mika expected. The rest of the security team nods in unison.

Mika gives them the most withering of all his withering glares. They quail under it. Not so brave then. "I'm leaving," he repeats forcefully. His glare promises an almighty ass kicking for anyone that tries to stop him. The security are stuck in an awkward position; their orders are to make sure no harm comes to him but if they try to stop him, they might hurt him and then Michael would toss them into the volcano.

None of them wants to be tossed in a volcano. That would hurt.

"Move," Mika snaps and shoves Seb at them. They jump out of his way. Michael's not here right now so there's nothing they can do.

"Can't blame him," one of the underlings whispers to another, "if my apartment was as nice as his, I'd want to leave too."

The second underling nods, "Yeah, he's really got the balance of classic style and Nordic chic perfect."

*****

Even when you've glared your way out of a supervillain's lair, getting home isn't that easy. Getting down the volcano ( _Volcano!_ He's going to punch Ralf in the neck the next time he sees him) takes hours and he has to keep an eye out for the patrols that sweep overhead, begging him to come back.

He doesn't have the best sense of direction either so when he finds himself in the forest at the foot of the volcano he spends several hours wandering around lost.

Michael's sitting by his apartment door when he trudges wearily up the stairs at 10 pm that night. Mika pauses for a moment, takes a deep breath, takes off his shoe, and hurls it at him.

*****

DC whistles when he slams the door behind him. "Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?"

Mika's covered in mud and scratches from branches so he certainly feels like he'd make eyes sore. He makes an aborted gesture at the door, gives up, and limps towards the shower.

*****

There's a bouquet of flowers sitting on his desk when he gets into work the next day. _Come back_ , the card reads, _y_ _ou're in terrible danger_.

Mika takes a lot of solace out of setting it on fire and leaving it on Ralf's desk.

*****

Eventually he knows though that he'll have to deal with Michael, in a professional capacity, at least.

Two days later, the Flying Finn hotline rings and he finds the mayor tied to the nearest lightning conductor in the middle of a storm.

"Alright," the Flying Finn says tiredly as he lands on the top of the skyscraper, "let him go."

"YOU!" Der Kaiser shouts over the thunder, "You're the reason my boyfriend left me!"

The mayor lets out a tired sigh. "I have dinner plans," he says.

Mika has to admit (in the tiniest hidden portion of his mind) that he felt a bit betrayed when his boyfriend turned out to be an evil mastermind. He'd wanted something normal in his life. It had hurt. As had some of his villainous acts, like the use laser weaponry. They'd hurt too.

But mostly, he's fucking annoyed over the whole kidnapping thing.

"Aren't you going to say anything?!" Der Kaiser shouts again, his voice quavering over the last syllables. The Flying Finn expects that he has the evil puppy look under his helmet again.

Which, when he thinks about, doesn't make sense - Der Kaiser doesn't know he's Mika after all so why would he be looking at him with that stupid lovesick twist to his mouth...

Unless…

"Oh my god. It was me you were in love with!"

He can't believe he, himself, is the mystery man his boyfriend couldn't get over.

Mika's going to throttle Ralf.

"No I wasn't! This isn’t about you!" Der Kaiser lies.

"It is about me!"

"It _isn't_ ," Der Kaiser insists desperately, worried that the Flying Finn has realised the truth.

"It is," The Flying Finn growls and rips off his cowl.

"Oh," Der Kaiser says, shocked. He trips on his cape and falls off the side of the skyscraper.

"Mika, is that you?" the mayor says, equally shocked.

"Er...no," Mika replies.

He steps off the side of the building, floating down after Michael.

Mayor Hill, for his part, is looking resigned to missing dinner.

*****

Mika catches him at the 17th floor, by the scruff his neck, dropping him not too gently on the roof of nearby 10th floor hospital. He rolls a few times when he lands and gets to his feet quickly.

Mika deliberates for a few seconds and then lands beside him, boots crunching the gravel.

Michael pulls off his helmet. He looks even more pleased than the time the sewer pipe explosion flooded the mayor's office.

"I hate Ralf," Mika mutters for the 17,589th time this week. He eyes Michael's helmet dubiously, "Did you wash it?"

Michael glances down at the helmet, confused. "What?" Then it dawns on him, "I have a spare!"

"Okay…" That's Mika out of conversation topics.

Michael grins. "This is the perfect romantic double-blind test! I fell for you twice."

Mika grumbles several profanities under his breath. He yanks his cowl back on - he doesn't need anyone else discovering his secret identity today - and flies away.

"Wait!" Michael sighs and rethinks his apology scheme. He knew he should have worn the jetpack today.

*****

There are flowers sitting on his desk that morning. Mika eyes them warily, hoping they don't contain evil bees. _I'm sorry I knocked you out the window the_ _first time we met_ , the card reads. If Mika remembers correctly, he'd blasted him out a window the first time they'd met. He sneezes and rubs his nose.

Ralf sighs when he sees him approaching his desk, saves them both the trouble, and lights it on fire himself.

*****

Each day brings a new apology bouquet. A fortnight in, Ralf has been arrested three times for arson, and Mika is suffering from hay fever.

*****

 _I'm sorry I tried to steal New Zealand_ , the card reads.

*****

 _I'm sorry I put mutagens in the water and the purple glowing sharks with feet attacked you_ , the card reads.

*****

 _I'm really sorry about the ferrets_ , the card reads.

*****

"I get it, he's sorry, he can stop now."

Ralf shrugs, "he just wants to apologise for everything he did to upset you."

Mika considers setting Ralf on fire.

*****

"So your boyfriend turned out to be your greatest nemesis," DC says in a tone that suggests that this is a normal occurrence. "It's not the end of the world! Cheer up!" He pauses for a moment to think. "Or at least let me change your superhero alias to The Incredible Sulk."

"No," replies Mika, sulking.

"Pleassssse."

"No."

"I don't think you're thinking about the marketing possibilities."

"I'm going to bed," Mika mutters, even if it is 11 am.

"Can I come?"

Mika rolls his eyes.

*****

Mika's grumpily watching Saturday morning TV on his couch with Karolina when Michael lets himself in with antihistamines. He smiles nervously and hands over the gift-wrapped drugs. "I'm sorry I accidentally attacked you with flowers. I didn't realise you had hay fever…"

"Thanks," Mika says ruefully, gently putting Karolina on his lap, and uncurling on the couch so Michael can sit beside him. "New plan?" He asks, smoothing out the leg of his extra classy pyjamas.

"Yeah." Michael sits awkwardly. "I was going to carve _I'm sorry_ on the moon but I've got rid of most of my lasers after that tax hike. I didn't really think you'd want that anyway… I've been very wrong about what you want recently but I didn't think you'd want that… so...apology drugs."

Eventually, Mika realises that he's waiting on him to say something which has never been Mika's strong point. He's not really sure how to say he sort of forgives him but is still mad about the kidnapping and general evil-doing. He settles for an easier topic.

"I've been looking for your lair since 2001," he confesses.

Michael blinks in surprise. "Two years? It only took the shark people 3 days to find me."

"I don't have a good sense of direction, alright?" He also doesn't have the persistence of shark conservationists.

"Really?"

"Yeah. The time I threw you in the sea?"

"Yeah?"

"Was looking for the city reservoir."

Michael laughs, "That's in the opposite direction. I thought you were trying to teach me a lesson." He'd been on fire at the time.

Mika smiles slightly and rubs his runny nose, "No. Just lost."

"I've always wanted to find your base of operations," Michael admits. "Never thought that I'd already been there."

Mika gestures loosely at the apartment that he shares with a roommate that doesn't take Mika's problems or the wearing of underpants seriously, "This is it."

He wonders briefly if Michael thinks less of him for it. But he seems impressed instead, "All that success fighting crime with no backup or equipment?"

"I just fight it," Mika tells him truthfully.

Michael laughs softly and tentatively reaches for Mika's hand, jostling Karolina slightly. She eyes the hand in a haughty fashion and retreats to her shell.

"So, what now?"

Mika shrugs. "Break Ralf out of jail?"

**Author's Note:**

> Evil intern [Seb](http://www.auto123.com/ArtImages/150561/vettel-1.jpg)


End file.
